Stay Calm: Lessons From T'ai Chi

The purpose of T'ai Chi training, my teacher Michael Ward told us Sunday morning, is to teach us to "relax in the face of adversity."

"Aha," I said to myself. "That's what makes T'ai Chi practice such good self defense training."

Part of relaxation is learning not to tense up at moments of stress. In T'ai Chi class, your body learns this very literally: If you tense up when you're trying to stand on one leg, you wobble; if you stiffen when you're doing push hands, your partner will push you over.

The same thing happens in daily life: If you're calm when a crisis hits, you find that you can do what needs to be done. If you're tense, you may do the wrong thing entirely.

Here's why: When you're relaxed, you can see or feel all the options. When you're tense, you block them off. In T'ai Chi practice, that ability to find options is physical, but the same principle applies to adversity that requires a mental response.

Relaxation is one of those concepts that seems very simple and yet turns out to be complex. When I teach Aikido class, I am always telling students to relax. Sometimes I shake their shoulders, to show them how stiff they're holding themselves. And no matter how much you learn about it, there always seems to be more to learn. (I frequently tell myself to relax, too.)

One of the best things about relaxation is that there are so many ways to learn it. You can work on it while holding a difficult T'ai Chi posture, by practicing push hands, or by learning how to use your center instead of your shoulders to throw your partner in Aikido. But you can also learn it by sitting in meditation or through yoga practice.

The common wisdom about self defense is that it requires mastery of impressive fighting techniques. I used to think that was true, used to think that the value of relaxation was simply that it allowed your muscles to do their work more efficiently and made it possible for a weaker person to handle a stronger one.

But while that's true, relaxation gives you much more than a little physical edge. It opens up the world and shows you all the possibilities. You might find, for example, that you don't need to fight at all.

Learning to relax isn't easy -- relaxation isn't collapsing on the couch after a hard day. It requires devoting time to a practice that shows you how to do it (T'ai Chi, meditation, yoga, etc.). But here's the best thing about relaxation: Anyone can learn it, regardless of physical problems, age, illness, or other limitations. Many of us will never be able to do a flying side kick, but all of us can learn to relax.

Stay Calm: It Makes It Possible to Do Everything Else

Back when I studied karate, my teacher occasionally tried to make me angry so that I would fight better. It never worked. I never do anything well when I'm angry.

Later, I figured out why: I get angry when I feel powerless, so I associate anger with the inability to do anything.

What actually works for me, in fighting or in doing almost anything, is staying calm. By calm I mean a peaceful centered feeling that allows me to take in everything going on around me without reacting emotionally.

I confess, I can't always find this feeling, especially on mornings when I've overslept, am late for work, and there are delays on the subway. Days like that I tend to rant and rail at the little things in life that drive us all crazy.

And it's on days like that when I'm hyper and angry that I do things like scrape the car door on the side of the garage or rush off too fast without checking whether the car door is completely shut or the back door of the house is locked. I'm more likely to get into an angry argument with anyone who harasses me -- not just potentially dangerous people, but a bicyclist who zooms past me too fast on the sidewalk or a homeless man who screams at everyone.

None of this behavior is useful and it can be dangerous.

Being calm and centered is a key element in keeping yourself safe. It's easier to pay attention, to be flexible, to listen to your instincts when you're calm. And if you have to fight, you'll know it.

But it's not enough just to say to yourself "stay calm." You need to teach your body and mind what that really means. There are many ways to do this. You can learn it in martial arts training, particularly in an art like T'ai Chi where you learn long forms. You can learn it from yoga practice. Meditation training can also teach you to find your calm center. All of these practices are valuable ways to learn this very important skill.

You don't have to invest a lot of money in classes to learn this. I picked up some good basic meditation practice in a book by the Zen Buddhist master Thich Nhat Hanh. There are also meditation centers that offer basic training for small donations.

You don't have to commit to a Buddhist or other spiritual path to learn these skills, but you do need to practice.

Of course, holding onto that calm center in stressful times is difficult. It's one thing to find your center while sitting in meditation; another to have it when walking down a street at midnight. But the first step is figuring out what calm and centered really means.